i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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