Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
this beer tastes like vomit already
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
