I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize