I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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