and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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