Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
