we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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