I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
