I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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