So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
