I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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