theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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