you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
