They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
