you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
