matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize