i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
sarcasm needs its own font
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
