Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Operation Purity has been aborted
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
