Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
