My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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