I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
