she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
