I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
