I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
