Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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