The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
