the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
