M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
