Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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