I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
