Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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