i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
