i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
