How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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