I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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