pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
