I molested 6 butterflies tonight
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
