Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Holy shit dude........stairs
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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