did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
