ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
