They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
