I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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