I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My life is pants optional.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize