If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize