Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
