My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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