Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize