Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
