Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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