I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize