At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
