thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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