There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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