I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
